What Constitutes an Affair?
What constitutes an affair? This may seem like a simple question, but it is not. There are many rules and agreements that govern a relationship; however, no relationship looks exactly like another because partners rarely share the same set of values and boundaries. Our views on relationships often come from our family of origin, culture, past experiences, and even societal influence. Often times people assume their partner sees fidelity the same way they do, which leads to lack of clear communication. So what truly defines an affair?
Dr. Monique Thompson, therapist and author of Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples: Tools and Exercises to Rebuild Your Relationship, defines an affair as ‘any emotional, sexual, or romantic behavior one partner keeps hidden from the other.’ A relationship does not need to involve sex, or even touching, to be considered an affair. However, an affair often involves secrecy and deception. Is there a relationship, or aspects of a relationship, that are being hidden from your partner? If so, this may be an indication that this relationship is moving towards affair-territory. Renowned relationship researchers and psychologists, John and Julie Gottman, who conducted extensive research on relationships for over 50 years, eventually leading to the development of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy, define an affair as ‘emotional or sexual engagement with someone other than the partner that violates the marriage vows of sexual and romantic exclusivity.’ For those who are married, the wedding vows often reflect the agreements and values of the partners and define the terms of the relationship (e.g. forsaking all others); therefore an affair occurs when a vow is broken. Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, defines an affair as an ‘attachment injury and violation of the deeply held trust and security that partners rely on within their relationship.’ Attachment science tells us that our romantic relationships are the foundation of our sense of security and an affair is a breach of trust that shakes the relationship’s foundation to it’s core. Ultimately, an affair is defined as any sexual, emotional, or romantic behavior that is hidden, violates the agreements and/or boundaries of the relationship, and results in broken trust and shattered sense of security.
What if partners decide to forgo traditional marriage vows or relationship structures? As you can see from these affair definitions, secrecy and deception are often major factors defining infidelity. Those who engage in open relationships, such as, but not limited to polyamory, have explicit relationship agreements to engage in sexual and/or romantic relationships with other people. Because of the clearly communicated and agreed upon boundaries, these additional relationships do not constitute an affair. Can an affair occur in an open relationship? Yes- similar to a monogamous relationship, when relationships are hidden or step outside of the agreed upon boundaries, an affair can occur.
Affairs may be defined differently depending on the values and boundaries of each relationship. Therefore, it is of paramount importance to have these discussions early on in the relationship. While some relationships can be rebuilt after an affair, it is not an easy process, and some relationships do not ever recover. Don’t know where your partner stands? Ask! Some questions that may be helpful are:
What type of relationship structure do we want to have? (e.g. monogamous, open, polyamorous, etc.)
What does monogamy (or polyamory, etc.) mean to each of us?
What constitutes an affair to each of us?
What are some boundaries that each of us need to feel secure in this relationship?
What constitutes a safe friendship?
Are there people we consider threats to our relationship?
These questions can give you a better understanding of how you and your partner view fidelity and help to create a shared meaning.
Maybe you’ve tried having these conversations with your partner and it feels like you end up stuck in an argument. Or maybe there’s already been an affair discovery. Relationship therapy and affair recovery can help navigate the complexity of repairing trust and re-establishing boundaries.
About the author
Alice is a relationship therapist, dedicated to helping couples build healthy and secure relationships. Alice specializes in affair recovery, navigating polyamory/open relationships, and trauma. Alice provides evidenced-based therapy, including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Method, and EMDR to couples and beyond in California and Washington State.